The Good News About Herpes: Early Emotional Responses

People seem to go through two separate periods in their reactions to having herpes. The first obviously comes right away; it starts as you sit in your clinician’s office and hear the words, “I think you may have herpes,” and continues until you get your test results that confirm those suspicions. When the news first hits, your thinking may be scattered, so it’s hard to sit there, listen, and learn. Your own thoughts are racing: how long have I had this, who gave it to me, and what will I do now? You might have the best-informed, most compassionate clinician there is, but your inability to process anything but your emotions interferes with your ability to absorb what you’re being told about herpes. You may have run out to a bookstore immediately and found this book, but you’re still flipping randomly through the pages, trying to gather your thoughts. All of this, however, is perfectly normal and expected. Let’s talk specifically about some of the reactions you may have had early on, right after you got the news.

+ SHOCK AND SURPRISE

When you were first diagnosed, you were probably shocked that something like this could ever happen to you and to discover that you now have a lifelong sexually transmitted infection. These realities may have caused you to cry and ask, “Why me?” especially since you thought you were careful and never saw it coming. It’s completely okay to feel shock, surprise, and a sense of disbelief when you’re diagnosed with herpes. Of course, if you knew that your partner had herpes beforehand and you understood the risk of getting infected, you’re probably not as surprised. But even in that situation, you may have held the belief that you’d be the one to “dodge the bullet.”

+ ANGER

Your anger could’ve been directed at a number of people, but the first may have been your partner: “How could you do this to me?” “How dare you give me genital herpes?” “You must’ve been cheating on me!”
But the cold and simple reality is that you could’ve been the one who had herpes first. Or, if you really do have a new infection, your partner may not have known about being infected; remember that about 90
percent of those who have herpes don’t know it (Leone et al. 2004). It’s normal to wonder if your partner was unfaithful, particularly if you’ve been together for a long time, but remember that monogamous couples can be together for years before transmission occurs. I’ve seen this many times in my practice, so if you’re skeptical about this possibility, it really does happen. Playing the ‘blame game” won’t change the fact that you have herpes; so what’s the point in doing it? You may never be able to sort out who gave what to whom. You can either have herpes plus a contentious relationship with your partner over this issue, or you can simply have herpes. It’s your choice.

Stop Herpes Now